Why Dual Perspective Is So Important and Such A Challenge

We can blame a number of factors that contribute to the maladaptive behavior of modern society, but at the end of the day, any amount of blame does not present a path forward nor does it contribute to solving the issues. The factors that hinder our sense of community or communication within that community have been well expounded on and the consensus seems to be to blame social media for all our problems relating to one another. The distance it creates, the lack of personal interaction, one could argue, drives us all further and further apart rather than the intention of connecting people. The issue does not lie in the technology itself, but in how we choose to use it.

I can reach any number of people by posting something on a social platform and project any idea or situation I choose, but that does nothing toward building my sense of belonging or community. In Interpersonal Communications, dual perspective is about considering the issue from the other person’s point of view rather than remaining in our own limited scope. We function from a me, me, me mindset. As a human being we are limited to our own experiences, perceptions and point of view. When we try to form bonds with those around us or try to form new connections with others, it becomes very apparent that not everyone has learned how to interact positively with others for any number of reasons.

Through the course of my career in education, I often mediated disagreements among students. As an administrator, I often mediated differences among teachers and staff. Graduate school prepared me for this and through practicing dual perspective, we were able to come to basic understandings we could then build on. Of course, this task was not simple and again required a level of detachment and objectivity to carefully dissect the reasoning behind each argument or priority. During budget meetings, people who were not finance experts had to decide where funds ought to be used knowing the limited capacity available. Students had to decide what type of project they should work on that would be allow all members of the group to showcase their best work. 

As students moved through the role paying exercise they noticed that much of what was included in the script would have been helpful to know before their last argument with a significant other. We talked about how they imagined the outcome would have been different if they had taken this class years ago or learned these skills as modeled by their parents. Unfortunately, not everyone has a positive example to draw from. These are not established behaviors or habits for many who were raised amid dysfunction and maladaptive behaviors.

The major take aways from the course included phrases that could be used to keep the conversation on track while allowing both parties to fully express their thoughts and feelings. It is probably no surprise people want to feel heard and seen. We began there. The practice I enjoy implementing in every situation is to allow the person to speak until they are completely finished. How do you know when they are finished? Remember people need time to take breaks and breathe while speaking. In this situation, listen for silence and pay attention to body language. When someone is engaged their body will be animated and when they have finished speaking their shoulders will drop and their breathing will return to calmer patterns. Now what to say next? I asked my students what they would feel they should naturally say in response. Most provided the same response, it was not constructive in any way, which I found comical. Most students wanted to ask, “Are you finished?” My question in return was meant to examine how asking that particular question at that particular time might impact the conversation and impact the emotions of the person who just spoke.

We explored other options. In education, I worked with replacement behaviors in this sense. Rather than asking this question, we practiced another approach. The approach we practiced instead was based in making sure that the speaker feels heard. This is something that can be addressed by restating the messaging with the intention of understanding. Stephen Covey says, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” This principle was embedded in the curriculum to enrich both personal and professional relationships.

It all seems so simple, so why is it such a challenge? The challenge is us. Each and every one of us lives our lives from our own perspective and viewpoint. If we do not choose to seek to understand, we stay in the perpetual state of ego where our own viewpoint is the only one we value. I challenge you to ask questions and seek to understand as a practice. You will notice that you will begin to speak less and listen more. When we focus on understanding, we can build toward a constructive conversation. Consider how you would feel to be in the other person’s position and how that might impact your view of the relationship as a whole. This is one reason dual perspective is so valuable. By seeking to understand we might have a chance to strengthen our connections and our sense of community on a larger scale.